Superheroes & Princesses

We let boys play with heroic action figures
Whilst girls play with dolls with 'perfect' figures
We teach girls that they are weak & teach boys to be unrealistically strong
We encourage boys to hide their vulnerability & girls to believe their self image is wrong
We tell girls their power is in their outer beauty & not what goes on underneath their skin
We tell boys their power is in their strength,
So they should bury their emotions deep within
The girl grows up believing she is only as good as her looks,
Not what she learns from books
The boy grows up thinking he is only as good as his wins
& how much money he brings
But do we stifle the growth of men & women, when we raise the boy to be the hard faced hero
& the girl to just be the pretty princess?
Watching the boy tear himself apart trying to be something he's not
Whilst the girl tears herself down in belief that she is less.

© Copyright 2015

Loose Curls vs Tight Coils; the good and the ugly?

Pic: Esperanza Spalding

Let's talk natural hair. To be more specific, I am referring to afro textured hair that naturally grows from the heads of Africans. African hair comes in diverse beautiful textures; even my sister and I who share the same parents have different textures let alone Africans from different ethnic backgrounds. However, though our textures may vary, I think its safe to say that at face value a majority of Africans have melanin rich hair that coils and stands up. So why do we predominantly see a particular type of natural hair being pushed to the forefront. This idealised natural hair image happens to be the defined loose curls that succumbs to gravity i.e. hair that looks like you could be mixed, or more bluntly put, hair that is closely aligned with European curly hair. A hair type that does not commonly grow from the scalps of many Africans.

The natural hair movement, a movement that is seeing women of African descent liberate themselves from the European one size fits all standards of hair beauty and embark on a journey of re-discovery. For in many cases, these women received their first 'relaxers' at tender ages, a decision that was made for them, hence have never seen their hair let alone taken care of their hair in its raw state. Sadly however, a movement that should see us start to rekindle the love we should have always had for our hair, is allowing many women to obsess over the manipulation of their hair to help them fit into a new 'natural' standard of hair beauty. 

It is very apparent that we are sneaking our white beauty standards into the natural hair community and so that 'good hair/bad hair' concept is still rearing its ugly head. Texture discrimination, where the good natural hair is the one that has the silky look, soft loose curls that bounces as it falls, and baby hairs that lays for the Gods whilst the kinkier type 4 hair textures only gets a 'good hair' pass with the aid of twist/braid outs and some good strong holding gel. So amongst many you'll find the obsession with styling techniques that create the illusion of a more uniformed looser curl pattern; methods that elongate the hair and combats shrinkage because downward length is still a problematic important measure of good hair; and let us not forget protective styling because apparently there's an evil force out there that doesn't want black women's hair to grow 'white girl hair long' (this force is only against afro hair, of course) so we must 'protect' it. I'm still wondering why I've never heard an Asian girl say she's protective styling to grow her hair. Maybe our hair wasn't designed to fall and hit our waistlines? Maybe it was actually supposed grow out big into the sky rather than down towards the ground. I often wonder if we've actually moved away from the notion of our hair being 'unmanageable', which was a prominent justification for relaxers, to a self love washed up version of the very same notion when we perpetuate that natural hair in an afro state becomes unmanageable and therefore needs to be in stretched out styles to combat this, or that our hair is so fragile it struggles to grow the European kind of long so we must protect it. The fact that we have to go into great measures to get our hair to behave the way we want it to (i.e. more European like) then is it that there is something wrong with our hair for not cooperating or that there may be something wrong in the way we want it to behave? Why is it that we listen to and trust external forces but not our own bodies? Do you listen to and trust your body when it makes your stomach growl from hunger or when it makes your eyes heavy from fatigue? Then why not so when it makes your hair tightly coil and defy gravity? 

Pic: Alicia Keys

For black women thinking to transition or big chop, they get hit with a huge disappointment when they see their natural hair and find that it's nappy! It looks nothing like the beautiful natural hair they saved many pictures of throughout their journey. Like I did, they will spend a lot of time trying to master the perfect twist out that just somehow doesn't look like the Instagram/Youtube girl’s hair. Even when a twist out looked somewat like a success in the morning, by noon it would be frizzing up into a fro. So in my case, after numerous failed twist outs, I just resulted to pulling my hair back into a bun and told myself that I'd wear my hair out when it gets longer and starts to fall instead of stand. Imagine that, I was hiding my natural hair because I couldn’t manipulate it to look like the ‘good natural hair’. What was supposed to be me loving and ENJOYING my natural hair resulted in me hiding it because it didn't fit into a white washed natural hair standard of beauty. There is so much beauty in the freedom of letting our hair grow from scalp as it will but if we want to do a twist out today then that’s fine, if we want to do poetic justice braids tomorrow that’s fine too, heck if I want to wear a wig some days or straighten my hair that’s fine. What's not fine is the mindset that our hair must always look a certain type of way to be socially accepted. 

With all that said, I get why we think the way we think and therefore do the things we do. It is of no surprise that we still try to 'tame' our hair, make it easy for others to digest and not appear to be making some sort of political statement because going natural really wasn't me going for a 'black panther look'. It is of no surprise that for a job interview or meetings we feel more comfortable to have our pulled hair back to be taken more seriously...I was always subconsciously told that our hair isn't professional for the corporate world. It is of no surprise, though it saddens me, when my own mother tells me that no man will find me attractive with my afro hair and that I do not look presentable. How your mother viewed your hair, you viewed your hair...she was just regurgitating the views of her own mother and the various female influences in her upbringing. Falling victim to how my mother viewed my hair, and in affect her own hair, I found myself inheriting this mental disorder that plagues the thoughts of many Africans towards their hair. I guess when you hear something enough times, you start to believe it. I am now less ignorant to these negative thoughts that still likes to creep up on me from time to time, white supremacy is a disease we've all been deeply infected by which will require time and active measures to heal from and I say 'heal' because it is abuse, but I digress. 

Natural hair is not fairly appreciated. Looser curl patterns cannot be the sole representation of African hair nor can it be the standard of beautiful African hair when the most honest representation would in fact lend more to the indigenous tightly coiled texture that crowns the head and reaches up to the heavens.

Sexual liberation or sexual objectification?

I like that women want to be in control of their sexualities but surely it doesn't need to be seen in the form of booty hanging out of a leotard (no names..). Whatever happened with being a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets?! It's sad to see women sell themselves short; as mere sexual appreciations of men. Surely it is not female liberation when it is causing women to become even more imprisoned by their beauty and their bodies.

Are women confusing sexual liberation with objectification? Are we not just re-asserting the very images that are used in our sexual oppression? There must be another way for women to reclaim control over their own bodies in a non contradictory manner...no?

Beauty does not lie in the Booty!

Whether real or arguably fake (ahem, no names), the big booty mania just seems like it won't go away. Many women in the entertainment industry, most notably the video vixens, have used their astronomical behinds to build a career but now the exploitation of the female booty has reached an all time high, and if I see another naked arse photo on instagram, I think I will do Chris Brown back flips! I’m just so done seeing and hearing discussions on women’s fake arses! The huge fascination with it is quite bizarre, after all, the booty is there to sit on and sh*t from! Ok, ok, I guess it’s not really rocket science why men like the big booty but since this is not a Kama Sutra type of article, I will refrain from elaborating! Thanks to Sir Mix A Lot and almost every mainstream rap video ever made, the ‘I love big butts and I cannot lie’ trait happens to be a common male trait that just won’t budge.

Just to clear it up, I’m not a ‘big booty’ hater, in fact I fill my jeans very nicely if I should say so myself! I’m just irritated with the heavy media attention on a female’s behind and it is now said that demand for bum fat injections have increased; it has gone a tad bit too far don’t you think? Women internalise these images of 'beauty'; I don't particularly like being constantly told that I need double D's, a 23inch waist size and somehow, acquire a midget in my arse! I’m pretty sure many women were more than happy with their derrières until Nicki Minaj along with Kim K and their larger than life behinds came along!

These ‘hate your body and desire a body like this’ messages that are continuously being pushed to us are not easily ignored even for the strong minded, so God knows how its negatively influencing the young and vulnerable. Quite frankly, beauty does not lie in the booty so I would hate for any woman to not feel beautiful enough just because she is lacking in the booty department or any department for that matter. What makes a woman sexy is her confidence but before you can ooze confidence, you firstly need to be content with your body and the soul within it. At the end of the day a true man will never deny a good woman simply because she doesn’t have enough junk in the trunk. As desirable as it may be, we must understand that it only serves to make us more sexually desirable and nothing more; 'ass' is not short for asset ladies. So I suggest you tell all the media messages encouraging you to want a bigger arse…to kiss yo' arse!

The Princess Ideology

Image crisis

Conventionally, princesses have nothing more to offer besides their looks; they are desired and despised for their undeniable beauty. Children watch princesses such as Sleeping Beauty sleep more or less throughout the whole darn thing and then meet the dream man...just for being pretty. By a tender age, young girls have already acquired a mindset that not only is their beauty everything but also a narrow minded definition of what beauty is. Fair skin like Snow White with silky long luscious locks like Rapunzel. I will never forget the day my god-daughter asked her mother for 'princess hair', it saddened me; she was only 4 years old yet this little girl had already learnt that her kinky afro hair was not 'pretty' enough to qualify her as a beautiful princess.

Male validation & female competitiveness

When you think of a princess, you think of a handsome prince. The storyline most often involves a princess being 'rescued' by a prince charming. This conveys a message that a woman's existence is validated by a man resulting in too many women growing up believing they need a man to complete them, rather than to compliment them. Women are not defenceless beauties needing to be saved by a man, no. This also encourages female competitiveness...over men. Remember how Cinderella's ugly stepsisters and stepmother were fighting over the glass slipper in order to be prince charming's wife? Young girls are always wanting and competing to be the princess, the 'it' girl, the one being placed on the pedestal. When a woman is being labelled desirable by men, she is also being despised by women.

'Happily ever after'

'and they lived happily ever after' ...this line right here *shakes head*. Often, their new marriages involves the gain of riches and 'a better life' as we saw with Cinderella. Teaching girls to aspire for marriage and selling them a false dream of being forever happy. Getting engaged/married has become an important life goal for many women and those who have managed to 'achieve' this goal before their 30s think their life is set and even worse, think they are somewhat better than the woman who isn't engaged/married. Becoming a man's wife is not an accomplishment or a ticket to the land of happily ever after that you were told about as a child. Please don't hold yourself up for a huge disappointment when you find that even after marriage, you're still searching for purpose and fulfilment. What princesses forgot to teach is that happiness is not found at destinations, its found on the journey and the journey sure doesn't stop at marriage.

Dorothy Dandridge

Can we take a min to appreciate Dorothy Dandridge please? Why is it that many people don't know about her but know who Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn are? Sigh.. My #wcw for this week

Why I stan for Beyoncé

Girls love Beyoncé. Well I sure do! Her show in London was awesome. After fully regaining my voice, I can proudly say that I've reached stan status. Let me commence with my Beyoncé appreciation:

She's not just another manufactured pop star who looks good but lacks talent (ahem, no names). I like it when pretty girls don't have the 'pretty girl syndrome' where they just depend solely on their good looks to get them by. Beyoncé is not one to hold herself back in the name of vanity; have you seen how hard she performs? She turns from beauty into a beast on stage...literally! She looks like she's about to give someone the biggest smack down of their life!

They call her Queen Bey because she's at the top of her game and yes she's 'snatching wigs'! Though its fair to say her music isn't on the same playing field as an MJ record, no one cares because she just slays every single stage she steps foot on! I mean, my sister who used to stan hard for Rihanna has never bought an album before (not even Rihanna's), yet was able to reach for her purse to make that purchase on Beyoncé's album and was up 7am waiting to get her Mrs Carter Show ticket...Beyoncé did that! 

From Queen Bey to King Bey. She is her own boss with a great team behind her and oh yeah, shit loads of money! It is said that she made $200 million from her Mrs Carter show which ended last month - bawse! In a world where there are women who use men as financial plans, I rate Beyoncé for holding it down on her own. She has also cleverly managed to take full control of her personal brand and how she wants us to perceive her. Her work ethic is crazy and despite all her success, she still has so much drive and hunger for more. This woman just won't sit her booty shaking self down!

Speaking of sitting down, when she decided to embark on a massive world tour...had Blu Ivy's umbilical cord even been cut yet?! To top that, she was secretly recording songs along with shooting music videos then BANG! out of nowhere she drops a surprise album on us...*takes a minute of silence*. Then what? She tours again that's what. She made having a baby look so easy; she gave birth then got back to business...and she meant business. This woman truly is a beast.

She's one half of a 'power couple'. Just in case her talent, accomplishments and wealth wasn't something to be envious of, she marries a man who matches her success status. Though its debatable whether or not they are actually happy in love together, she's married with child and that's what women are told to aspire for right?? Well she's got that checked off.

Her work-life balance is...unfair! As much as she works hard (doing something she loves), she also gets to live her life and quite frankly, has enough money not to work! Can we also take a quick moment to discuss the fact that she doesn't appear to have many friends? All her candid photos that surface on the net are of her with her team or family. When do you see her snapped with celeb 'friends' or caught given shout outs to celeb 'besties'? She's not on a popularity hype and I like that.

Above all, the reason why I stan hard for Beyonce is because she actually seems like a nice person, and if she's not then this further shows how well she's orchestrating her image. Bow down!

Ain't I A Woman?

Freak Shows

Exhibited in London Piccadilly Circus as a ‘freak show’ by Europeans who were highly intrigued with her voluptuous figure, I was deeply saddened by the story of Sara Baartman, an enslaved South African woman. Fascinated with her breasts, hips, arse and lips, which were gigantic by Eurocentric standards, she was ridiculed and paraded as a ‘freak’ and commanded to gyrate like a wild beast. Given the stage name ‘Hottentot Venus’, she was placed on a stage, naked and bare, where the Europeans paid to stare. She soon died at a youthful age of 25.

As I read her story, I was not only frustrated by the way the body of an African woman was degraded, but also because this happened in the early 1800s and two centuries later I fail to see any change. Black women in the entertainment industry receive more recognition for their larger than life curves rather than their talent; there is this senseless fascination with the big booty. The media sexually objectifies women in general but I feel as though for black women there is a lack of balance; there are more oversexed half naked type images of black women shoved in our faces in comparison to Oprah type images. Without the balance, it’s very easy for black women to fall into the trap of basing their desirability on the size of their behinds instead of what’s inside their minds. It’s as though our ‘ass’ has become our biggest asset. We stage name ourselves now with so-called ‘alter egos’ and proudly gyrate in music videos. I can’t even go onto Instagram without seeing freak shows on my news feed, young women exhibiting their own bodies. I wish more black men and women knew and empathized with the story of Sara Baartman, an enslaved young African woman who was sexually exploited in a ‘human zoo’ for fortune and fame because the only thing that has changed is that we now happily sexually exploit ourselves.



"All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe" - 2Chainz


“Most often attention was not focused on the complete black female on display…They are to not look at her as a whole human being. They are to notice only certain parts.” -Bell Hooks, Black Looks