It's been almost a year of growing out my permed hair - yay! My mum is still begging me to get a perm though but I've been firm in my decision to be 100% natural and I'm doing well guys. Esperanza Spalding has been my 'hairspiration' throughout my hair journey; it's so refreshing to see someone in the spotlight with hair that looks...just like mine! I love her hair and I've finally learnt to love mine (:
Exhibited in London Piccadilly Circus as a ‘freak show’ by Europeans who were highly intrigued with her voluptuous figure, I was deeply saddened by the story of Sara Baartman, an enslaved South African woman. Fascinated with her breasts, hips, arse and lips, which were gigantic by Eurocentric standards, she was ridiculed and paraded as a ‘freak’ and commanded to gyrate like a wild beast. Given the stage name ‘Hottentot Venus’, she was placed on a stage, naked and bare, where the Europeans paid to stare. She soon died at a youthful age of 25.
As I read her story, I was not only frustrated by the way the body of an African woman was degraded, but also because this happened in the early 1800s and two centuries later I fail to see any change. Black women in the entertainment industry receive more recognition for their larger than life curves rather than their talent; there is this senseless fascination with the big booty. The media sexually objectifies women in general but I feel as though for black women there is a lack of balance; there are more oversexed half naked type images of black women shoved in our faces in comparison to Oprah type images. Without the balance, it’s very easy for black women to fall into the trap of basing their desirability on the size of their behinds instead of what’s inside their minds. It’s as though our ‘ass’ has become our biggest asset. We stage name ourselves now with so-called ‘alter egos’ and proudly gyrate in music videos. I can’t even go onto Instagram without seeing freak shows on my news feed, young women exhibiting their own bodies. I wish more black men and women knew and empathized with the story of Sara Baartman, an enslaved young African woman who was sexually exploited in a ‘human zoo’ for fortune and fame because the only thing that has changed is that we now happily sexually exploit ourselves.
"All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe" - 2Chainz
“Most often attention was not focused on the complete black female on display…They are to not look at her as a whole human being. They are to notice only certain parts.” -Bell Hooks, Black Looks
I don't know how I could ever forget someone who stimulates me with thoughts rather than touch
Someone who intrigues me with their mind and teaches mine
Someone who doesn't laugh at my dreams, instead encourages me to dream even bigger
I can't forget someone who makes me cherish moments
Especially the moments we share together
Someone who impregnates me with passion and brightens my soul with their smile
Someone who listens to my cries and yet has the power to provoke enough emotion in me to make tears run from my eyes...
How can I forget you, you who has shown my once hardened heart how to love with no limits?
Our future is our fiction that can be re-written at anytime. It's our minds' powerful ability to imagine what could be. What 'could' be. Many people get too caught up in their future plans and get so specific with timings...'by the age of 30 I want be to be this and that' and almost certainly set themselves up for disappointment. I've been there before, I was so disappointed with myself on my 25th birthday because I wasn't where I had 'imagined' to be. And why do we set goals for the age of 25 and not 26, why 30 and not 32? Because they are society's made up birth milestones and so there is an unnecessary pressure on us to feel like we've 'achieved' something by then. Its ok to set goals and aspire for something but don't allow your happiness to depend solely on reaching that place in time, that future you perfectly created in your mind. Tomorrow isn't promised as we know, but another thing to embrace is that the future is an unknown realm that you have no full control over. I've sketched out a future in my mind but I now understand that I should find happiness along the way rather than believing that I'll only find happiness in that very day in time that only exists in my mind.
Today I had the best conversation I have ever had with my mother; I told her to get off my back! Not in those words of course, I do value my life lol. She is very protective of me, so much more than I feel she is with my other siblings, maybe it's a first child thing? I can also see that a lot of her happiness is dependent on my success, she always makes it known how much she had to 'sacrifice' raising five children on her own. So she wants me to have this perfect life with no mistakes because she lives in a world of regrets; its almost like she wants to correct her wrongs with MY life. Unfortunately, no matter how many times you tell a child to stay away from a hot stove so they don't get burnt, they have to touch it first to fully understand. I have a scar on my thigh from getting burnt by an iron when I was a toddler even though my mum always told me to stay away from the hot iron but of course, it was not until I got burnt that I put her words into practice. It left a small scar but it didn't kill me. I already know there are going to be many more moments in my life where I will say to myself 'damn, mum was right' and she will have her 'I told you so!' moments with me but that's the cycle of life. No teacher can beat experience, not even your mother.
I like my sleep. I really like my sleep. So much so that if I for whatever reason wake up as little as 5 minutes before my alarm goes off, I go back to sleep! To some people, going back to sleep for just 5 minutes is absolutely pointless because in their minds all they keep thinking about is 'the alarm clock is going to go off any minute now'. In my case, I don't think of anything in that moment. To me its 5 minutes of being wrapped up in warmth under my duvet, its 5 minutes of tranquility and its 5 minutes of peace of mind before the rush to work starts. I enjoy every minute...
I think it's a real shame that we live in a world where parents trust strangers, who happen to be qualified to work in schools, to teach and mould the ideology of their children. I know children have to go to school but I just believe that it is very important for parents to also take authority in shaping their children's minds rather than leaving it in the corrupted hands of TV, the internet and teachers. School teaches kids that there is only one right answer for everything...their answer and it irons out children's sacred gift of imagination. Ever notice how children question everything when they are young but then as they get older it's as though their inquisitive minds have malnourished; schools just don't encourage them to challenge the status quo. As for the media, it teaches us the false value of materialism, sex and vanity as means of happiness and success. There have been numerous times when I've seen my god-daughter cry for a new Barbie or Hello Kitty doll and that's because she's constantly watching TV which is conditioning her at a tender age that these toys will make her happy. But like all material things, once you've attained it it leaves you with a feeling of 'is that it?' and then you soon find yourself looking for the next thing you 'think' will make you happy. Then when our children are teens, we blame celebrities for being bad role models - why does society make parents believe that schools and the media are responsible for their child's mental development and social behaviours but themselves? Why do parents think that they are only accountable for placing a roof over their children's heads, instead of placing a window into their minds; many children grow up to only see things with their eyes. Or putting food into their mouths instead of feeding their minds; clothing their flesh instead of adding layers to their minds?
This morning I woke up in such a miserable mood; my mind was victimising me. I was angry about past events and I was very unsure about where exactly I'm going in life and what my future holds. The fear that was building up inside of me soon became so overwhelming, it gave way for my emotions to take over. Life just felt so pointless. I was another soul merely just existing, not living. So I had a meltdown. I had reached a very vulnerable state, and it was when I was at my most vulnerable point that I connected with myself and life on a deeper level than I ever have before. After a much needed stroll outside, I decided to go back into the house and not think about anything or anyone but just completely empty my mind from unnecessary thoughts that rob me daily from inner peace. I then got myself cosy in the couch with my leopard print blanket over me and the chocolate biscuits in good reach, and watched a movie called Peaceful Warrior that my sister had advised me to watch for weeks saying it has changed her outlook on life. So I watched the film...now my perspective on happiness will never be the same again! Such an inspirational movie.
The battles we fight are not on the outside but on the inside, in our minds. Mind control is the first step to happiness, learning to clear the mind from unruly thoughts that stop us from living in and enjoying the moment. Live in the now and enjoy the present moment...I've heard this so many times before but I finally get it now.
“. . . Action always happens in the present, because it is an expression of the body, which can only exist in the here and now. But the mind is like a phantom that lives only in the past or future. It's only power over you is to draw your attention off the present.” ― Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior
Even though he became a stranger
He was once the love of my life
& my heart never forgot him.
I always remember running into his arms before he could even get his other foot through the door.
He would always make me laugh
I was the happiest little girl.
Days then became weeks
Weeks became months
Months became years
I no longer expected him to come home
He's face, he's voice & the warmth of his arms soon became just a sacred memory
A memory I had planned to recapture
But his flesh turned into dust & all that is left behind is buried bones
My heart's small request to see my father again has been ripped apart
Coz now his gone again, but this time forever...
I want us to be civil
But a thin line between love and hate
Has put my once conquered heart at war
So I'm building a wall
Strong and tall
To protect my heart from another fatal fall
I don't want to be in your captive anymore
So I'll say 'hi' & 'bye', but that's all
Things can't remain the same
We can never be close again
I can''t watch you imprison me, this time I'm putting up a fight
I won't let you have victory over me twice
You've already stolen too many years
If I surrender, there will be too many tears
History will not repeat
So as much as I would like us to still speak
I just can't risk defeat
Our eyes make contact
But even with the aid of contacts
My vision is still blurred
My eyes do not clearly see
What is placed in front of me
A great man who is madly in love with me
Who would gladly place the world at my feet
But I walk past him
Because my long-sighted love sees another man, not him